So, after coming home from a very productive, and positive day at work, I enter my house to have my happy day at work erased. Junior tries to use very negative and disrespectful language when he is addressing anger. Anger brought upon by whom? He would like to think that I am the one holding him back and causing him to be angry, but that is far from the truth. He is just an angry person, who does not release the demons that bother him. He holds onto things, and re-directs his anger towards people who care about him. I guess he uses me as a sounding board to vent his frustrations and lashes out because he does not have the communication skills to tell the people in his life he is mad at them.
This round of arguments started over Junior leaving a cup in my room and lounging on my bed while I am at work. I don't have a problem with him watching tv in my room, but I would like it if he cleaned up after himself. He then goes off on how I should learn to do dishes. I laugh at that, because it is I who does most of the dishes in this house. He cooked an excellent supper last night, and left the pan to soak over night. There were not many dishes to wash, but he got mad that he had to clean the supper dishes. I always make sure to clean after I cook, so him getting mad for not doing something that I always do is stupid. He also took out the garbage bag today. Wow. Does he even know that I took out the recycling today as well?
Junior has a habit of not seeing the greater picture. He views life in the now, and does not look at things in the long term, or the effect his behavior and participation has on our life together.
I say "our" life because Junior and I are the best of friends. We consider ourselves brothers, and have great love for one another as brothers. I don't see Junior leaving my life anytime in the next little while, so why does he not see what I mean when I ask him to help out long term. Getting a job, staying out of jail, taking part in the house work, going back to school to finish his education and stuff like that. It really does bother me that I cannot take my best pal on trips out of this country. He is a fun person to travel with, because I am a coward with things at times, LOL... like going up to strangers and partying. I suppose, we both live vicariously through each other.
Looking back on this argument today, I did see it coming. I said to myself last night, that I knew Junior would find a way to argue. We have been doing so good over the last week, and have been not fighting, but it's that calmness that we want, which causes us to fight. It's normal for this to happen.
Now, Junior will feel that he got somewhere over this argument and go out drinking, and being reckless with his life again for a few days. He will use me as an excuse to explain why he needs to drink and be dumb and do drugs. He knows I found certain drug containers in his room, so he cannot lie to me about not doing them. Ugggh, I get mad at him for having to resort to drugs and binge drinking. He is better then that. He knows it too. Why can't he just see that I value him with so much, that the reason why I hold him to a higher standard is because I don't want to lose him again? It sounds selfish on my part, but right now, I don't know what I would do without him in my life.
I need to be stable, and that helps me sleep at night. Being ahead at my university work, having a good day at work and keeping atop my bills are what keeps me stable. Also, having Junior staying at my house also gives me stability. I can sleep good at night knowing he is safe and not in trouble. It's more of a parental control over him that I have. I just wish he would see that.
Tonight, I have to go back to work. I need to rest my eyes, and take a cat nap before. I am optimistic that this evening will be good. Tonight is another story. Junior will go drinking, and still have anger that he did not deal with. Lucky for me, I have sleeping pills to help me drift off to slumber.
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